A piece of advice that I always give my friends when they're struggling with relationship issues is that you must be comfortable alone before allowing yourself to take care of someone else.
Read that again: you have to be happy single before you'll be happy in a relationship.
If you're not happy single, you'll become reliant on your significant other. You will begin to believe that you can't function without them. It will devolve into something unhealthy, until you feel incomplete without them.
I've always been a staunch believer in that a relationship should add on to your current happiness. You're complete without one, and you don't need one to feel whole again.
It was not until recently that I realized that this notion applied to friends as well.
Scientists always dictate that we're social creatures that need human interaction. They say that we'll go insane without it; we needed a community in the Stone Ages, and we need one now. People who self isolate turn crazy. Going too long without interacting with others causes your mental health to plummet.
To some extent, I believe this too. I think that we are social creatures that need the help of others. But I also believe that the presence of others should add on to your current happiness.
I'm a very extroverted person, so I love being surrounded by people. I'm not a big fan of being alone, and I recoil at the idea of not having anyone to lean on. My enneagram is a 7 wing 6, which means that I gain happiness through the validation of others. Being surrounded by people feeds my energy and happiness. And while I love being around people, it has come to the point where I am largely reliant on them.
I can't function if I think I'm alone. I dread the thought of no one being there for me. I begin to worry if I don't see people for a certain amount of time, and college has certainly exacerbated this. At home, I saw my friends about once a day, but now, I'm surrounded by so many people. I'm constantly seeing people when I wake up in the morning in my dorm, and I wait in long lines to get my dinner. There's always people milling around on campus, and I hear people playing on the quad when I go to sleep. There's been such a large presence of others that for a while, I craved alone time. The only time I could unwind in peace was in my dorm at the end of the day, where I'd curl up in bed and watch hours of Tik Toks.
Now, I love being alone when I choose to be alone. It's the best - it feels as if you're taking care of yourself. However, when I'm forced to be alone ... that's a different story.
I recently had a falling out with a group of friends, and they were people that I invested all of my time in. I regret not spending more time with people outside of the group, but I was so hellbent on proving my loyalty to them that I neglected others. However, at the first dilemma, my relationship with this group proved to not be as strong as I thought it was. Now, I don't choose to be alone - I am alone.
Of course, I'm not completely by myself - I have other acquaintences on campus and I have my best friends at home - but there is no longer the sense of belonging that I used to have before. If I want to eat with someone, I have to invite them out first. This past week has been the loneliest that I have ever experienced in my life. It's also been the hardest - in my opinion, going through a break-up with friends is much worse than that with a significant other. I was incredibly anxious and sad during the past few days, and I facetimed my hometown friends more times than I can count.
At first, I didn't know what to do. I haven't had that much experience being alone, and I didn't know where to start. I considered just dropping everything and going home. I even hoped that there would be a corona outbreak on campus so that I could go home. I brainstormed excuses as to why I would leave campus with one more month to go. I felt as if my dorm room was becoming my jail cell.
During this time, I also began listening to Emma Chamberlain's podcasts. Emma recounted times of falling out of friendships and finding new ones. She recalled adventures she had by herself, and how being alone was incredibly important. My friends at home echoed this sentiment: being able to be alone is something powerful. It's something that aligns with everything that I had ever preached.
I have now realized that this is the perfect time to practice the skill that I lack. Of course, I'm going to try to make new friends, but I am comforted by the idea that even if this doesn't work, I still have my lonesome. I have myself.
Last night was the first time that I felt comfortable alone - I started a new show, and I was able to watch it without my mind getting distracted. I didn't worry over what others thought of me walking around campus by myself, and I didn't get anxious over the thought of my previous group spreading rumours about me. I just watched the show, and I had a good time.
I am so thankful for this realization. I now feel as if this last month won't be as hard as I thought it would be. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if someone rejects me and doesn't want to be my friend - I am my own best friend. If I can be comfortable being alone, then I can do anything.
I think that being more independent will also allow me to be a better friend. I won't rely on others to make me happy - I will make myself happy. I think that as a result, I'll become much more confident in myself and in others. I won't feel the constant need to bow to others in hopes that they will like me. I will respect and value myself, and in turn, I will find people that respect and value me as well.
Now, I know that this change won't happen overnight. It's not like this new mentality will immediately change who I am and how I feel. I know that I'll still feel bouts of insecurity and FOMO. However, now I know how to deal with these feelings.
I'm going to try to find joy in my lonesome. I'm going to wake up and be excited to do things by myself. I want to have fun figuring out who I am and understanding who that person is.
Finally, I feel as if I'm following my own advice.
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