I grew up in a privileged, sheltered city that protected me from the horrors of injustice and inequality. Racism and verbal attacks were stories, not real-life events. I was largely unaware of the unfairness experienced by my community and other minorities as well; to me, America was a steppingstone to success and a place that was equal for everyone. The only moment that dampened this belief was a racist encounter that my dad experienced at a local pool: upon leaving, a man told him to “go back to his own country”.
However, after today, racism is no longer something I’ve solely read and heard about. It’s something that I experienced myself.
My friends and I were walking around in a nearby city, enjoying the evening and finding a place to get dinner. We’d just taken some lovely pictures by a beautiful bridge, and we were enjoying the evening sunset. All of a sudden, while we were walking, I heard a sharp voice say: “Ching chong bitch, you’re going to give me corona!”
I can’t even accurately describe the feeling of hearing those hateful words. I froze. My mind went blank. The blood rushed to my face and I felt so warm and hot in the most panicked way possible. I didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t even ask myself what to do – it was as if all of a sudden, those words took away my ability to do anything. It completely caught me off guard. It’s like when you stub your toe and you wait for the pain to crash over you – I waited for the hurt, and it came quickly.
Without thinking, I crowed back: “That was so funny! I wish I had a medal or a cookie for you!” Then, I sarcastically clapped at them while my friends and I walked away. I was still jarred, still in shock, but in that moment, however fleeting, I felt as if I had gotten a bit of the power back. I felt like I was in control again.
However, that didn’t stop the girls from laughing and continuing to hurl racist insults at me. One even pushed her breasts together to make fun of my flat chest (I love my flat chest). I knew it was worthless to continue responding, so my friends and I walked away. A few seconds later, one of the girls ran up to me and asked me for my name. I told her it was “Ellen”, fully expecting an apology. The girl that had hurled the original insults called her friend back, and that was that. My first racist encounter.
After the girls were gone, I felt completely defeated. I didn’t even know why I was so hurt – it didn’t feel like anything personal against me, it was much more generalized to my people, my race – but I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t because I would’ve started crying even more. It was agony, waiting for my tears to subside so I could finally formulate my thoughts into words; I felt attacked and scared, and I could barely comprehend what had even happened. I have always been one to say that words can’t hurt me, but now, I finally understand the true power of one nasty comment.
I am so lucky to have friends who comforted me, understood me, and advised me. I was advised to let it go, and I’m taking that advice – I won’t forget, but I will forgive. It’s useless to spend time mulling over this event. There are some things I would’ve done differently, but I have no desire to go back to that moment in time. It’s something that I want to learn from but also something that I want to leave far behind.
What really saddened me was the fact that my attackers were black girls my age. I just couldn’t comprehend why I was receiving this hate – we are both minorities, and we have both received bias (though to varying degrees). We’re in the middle of a revolution right now - we’re creating change, and we’re fighting together. We’re pushing back against the systemic racism that was oppressing our black peers. In that moment, I thought: why are we pitting ourselves against each other when we are on the same side?
I still don’t understand it, but there’s many facets of racism that I don’t understand. I don’t understand how one person could openly voice hateful speech to another person, fully knowing how their words would impact the other person. The lack of empathy, remorse, and common sense is astounding to me. And it hurts me to know that I received a lighter version of it – all across the country, Asian Americans are being physically beaten for nothing other than their ethnicity.
Now, I know that we are in a time of crisis. I know that the spotlight isn’t on racism in the Asian community right now. It’s rightfully on the Black Lives Matter movement, which deserves our immediate attention, because it’s a systemic problem that needs immediate change. Asian Americans are not being targeted by the police, nor are we being targeted by institutions. But that does not make our struggles anything less. That does not demote what we have experienced.
The best thing you can do for the Asian American community right now is to pay attention. Pay attention to the media, the news, and Asian American stories about the racism that we have experienced during this pandemic. If you ever see a racist attack happen, stand with us against it. Don’t feel sorry for us on the sidelines, because that accomplishes nothing. If a bystander had confronted my attacker today, it would have made me feel so much better. And finally, make sure you let your Asian friends know that you stand with them during this time, and you will continue to after. The harassment and beatings that we’ve experienced has not gained half as much attention as I would have hoped. You paying attention would change that.
I still don’t know what to do when confronted with racism, and I’m not sure I’ll never know. All I know is the After, the part where I accept that there are people with no moral code and that their words have no reflection on me or my people. It’s the part where I remind myself that it’s not worth my time to dwell on hate and to invest my time in myself instead. I am a product of what I do, not of what other people tell me.
To my other Asian friends that have had similar experiences – I feel you, and I understand you. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control what we do afterwards. Racism can’t be cured overnight, but we can build towards a future that sees everyone as human, no matter their color.
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